PROLOGUE
The world of Dominaria has been ripped to shreds by the Phyrexian Invasion and Phyrexian Plague.
These two things together caused what could only be called the Apocalypse. Now on the small continent of Otaria in Dominaria the landscape is blasted, and civilization has been torn asunder. The world has turned to pit fights and blood contests where quick wits and a good grip on a blade may keep a man alive for another day.
CHAPTER 1 CLAWS
“Stand now and leave your old name behind. Your secret name shall be… Tsume and your street name shall be…Claws.” This was the first thing that Claws heard; it came from the mouth of her king and god, The First (and probably the Last), The Patriarch of the Cabal.
The First looked down on Claws and smiled a warped and threatening smile. Claws remembered when she had been the weak pitiful being Æreenas. Then when she had seen this same smile she had fainted and vomitted. This time instead she only vomitted.
She felt she still had much more training to do under her masters Braids and Dreads.
“Claws leave now but leave all your weapons here,” said The Patriarch of the Cabal.
“Yes master,” was all she said as she unclipped her sheath from her belt and placed her sword on the floor. Next she undid the knots and clips holding a simple set of claws on her hands.
Finally she turned from her God in all his horrible, frightening, painful, glory and walked from the room. She felt relief to be out of the First’s sickening aura but also felt nervous to be unarmed.
Claws was very worried that today was going to be her final test to see if she was worthy of being a Dementia Summoner. Claws entered the area of the dungeon where she slept and was shocked to see her rival for her spot as a Dementia Summoner.
“Hello Æreenas,” he said trying to annoy Claws by using her old name.
She simply walked by him and said, “Claws.”
He glared at her and said, “What?” in a slightly confused tone.
Claws continued to walk to her bed where she saw an envelope placed on her pillow. She sat down stating in a matter–of-fact tone, “Well Jael my name is now Claws
Jael smirked and said, “What kind of name is Claws?”
“I think it’s a good name but maybe if you think it’s so bad you should go complain to the First,” she shot back.
Jael shuddered and glared at Claws. “Well I just think that the name he gave me is much better than yours” Jael said.
“Yeah Prison; good name,” Claws said her voice dripping with acidic sarcasm.
Prison glared at Claws and tried to figure out a come back but was unable to in his rage and instead turned and stormed out.
Claws chuckled at Prison’s foolishness as she ripped into the envelope she had found on her pillow. As she opened the envelope a key fell out into her hand. She pulled out the letter and read it. The letter simply stated one thing. It was the one thing she had wanted to hear, “Come to the training room bring the key”.
Claws didn’t want to leave unarmed she grabbed a chain from the wall and wrapped it around her waist like a belt. She closed her eyes, breathed deeply and walked with a brisk, determined pace towards the training room.
CHAPTER 2 ALMOST THERE
She kept her mind completely clear during the walk. When she arrived she turned the knob on the door absent-mindedly and realized it was locked. She took out the key she was given and opened the door.
She entered the room into a state of total darkness. The door slammed shut behind her. The moment the door closed all the lamps lit up and in the middle of the room there was a nightmarish, horrifying creature.
She of course walked towards it. As she approached it—it moved. She realized what it was right away and the first thing that came to here mind was “Ah, a faceshredder. Very rare. Nearly unstoppable. Good luck fair Claws!”
She crept around the room, slowly and quietly, but just as she was about to reach a weapon rack the creature struck. In one swift movement Claws leapt out of the way grabbed the chain she was using as a belt and entered Dementia Space.
When she entered Dementia Space she used the area around her to turn the chain into an eerily beautiful sword. She quickly returned to Dominaria.
She leapt at the faceshredder and stabbed it holding the sword steadfast. The creature slashed at her with it long nails.
Claws flipped backwards and balanced on one hand she shot a black beam of mana from her other hand.
The creature lurched backwards into the wall and the sword stabbed further into it.
A dark, green liquid started dripping from the wound and dissolved the ground where it landed. The faceshredder leapt at Claws. She dodged out of the way and left a wall of spikes in her place.
The creature crashed into the wall and splattered its green, oozing goo all over the other walls in the room.
“Slow and steady may not always win the race but at least it doesn’t end up splattered on the walls,” Claws said mockingly as she picked up the “sword” and turned it back into a chain. She carefully and thankfully wrapped it around her waist like a belt again.
CHAPTER 3 CONGRATULATIONS
Claws finally reached the weapon rack only to find that they had all been shattered when the faceshredder had hit the wall.
She picked up some of the loose pieces of metal lying on the ground and fashioned them into a set of claws using Dementia materials and all the dark mana she could muster. She placed them on her hands. It looked as if her hand had started to rot and as if the claws were part of her hand.
Claws felt safe wearing her new weapons, She also was fairly confident she had passed this test.
She turned and walked towards the door when suddenly Dreads jumps down from Dementia Space in front of her.
Claws jumped—surprised to see him. The master walked up to Claws and offered his hand to her. She accepted and shook his hand.
“Congratulations, you only need to pass one more test and you will be a full Dementia Summoner,” Dreads said with a hint of surprise.
Claws understood Dreads surprise, very many people—even master pit fighters—had died fighting that precise faceshredder; even when they where fully armed and armored.
Dreads looked at Claws, “Do you know what your next test is?”
“Yes,” Claws responded.
“Are you willing to do it?”
“Yes”
Dreads walked over to a small container lying on the floor, opened it and offered the contents to Claws.
Inside there was a pair of goggles, which Claws put around her neck, and a skull shaped incense holder, which she attached to her chain belt.
“Now Claws . . . whose secret name is Tsume . . . go to the pits for your final test,” Dreads said ceremonially.
Claws fell to one knee and said, “Thank you master Dreads . . . whose secret name is Ro . . . I will go to the pits and win.”
Claws stood, turned and with a hint of a smile, quietly left the room.
CHAPTER 4 MEMORIES
As she exited she thought back on all the time she had spent in Cabal City.
Her earliest memory was from when she was about four. It was when she was first brought to Cabal City. She remembered looking at her twin brother and smiling at him knowing they would finally have a home. She also remembered being scared and hoping they would have a good life.
The next memory that came to her mind was meeting all the other people that wanted to become Cabal members. She recalled being scared of all the other people who where all much older then her (she was only eight while they where all in there late teens).
She also thought of her hope for her brother and her self that they would both become Cabal members.
She remembered when she was ten she had to fight to the death against another trainee. Her remembrance was so clear she relived her fear of just how scared she was that she would die and how she hoped she wouldn’t.
She remembered learning a Cabal fighter doesn’t fear death. They fear what follows it. She also remembered learning that The Cabal breeds many things for the pit fights, but it never breeds compassion.
She remembered learning that Jael wanted to be a Dementia Summoner and hating him for it. She remembered losing her best friend—her brother—during the tests.
She was scared she would completely lose her mind but she wished she could avenge her brother and kill Jael.
She remembered graduating and becoming a full member of the Cabal. She remembered finding out that Cabal initiates start with hopes and fears. They graduate with neither.
CHAPTER 5 THE FINAL TEST STARTS
When she finished reminiscing she looked up and saw Jael standing in front of her. She glared at him.
He closed his eyes, shook his head and said, “Too bad you couldn’t have been a good little girl and died in the last test, but I guess now I have to do the dirty work and kill you my self. I’m just looking out for what would be easier for you.”
Claws was about to stab her claws right into Jael’s gut when an announcement came on magically through the entire pits proclaiming that the greatest match of the year was about to start.
Jael quickly turned away from Claws and walked down a curving hallway. Claws turned and walked down the opposite hallway. She approached a wall that had a symbol depicting a pair of clawed gloves. Just as she was about to walk into it the wall vanished and she walked through where the wall once was.
She looked around and saw all the people watching her intently. She was in the pits about to kill or be killed by her rival for “her” position as a Dementia Summoner.
Claws walked toward the center of the arena knowing it was time to avenge her brother, her best friend’s, death. She knew, at long last, it was her or Jael who would emerge victorious.
She waited to meet Jael and for the fight to begin but she didn’t see him coming out of his door. She turned around, saw bars rise from the ground around her and saw Jael grinning at her.
Claws simply smiled and said, “I see you have practiced.”
Jael smirked and said, “Practice makes perfect, but obsession makes better.” He grabbed one of the bars of the cell and electricity coursed through all the bars.
CHAPTER 6 FIGHT OF NIGHTMARES
Claws stepped back and willed her body to go to Dementia Space. She jumped away from the bars. When she came back to the real world Jael was already standing right in front of her.
Jael was looking at his feet and said, “That was a courageous move.”
Claws replied, “Don’t confuse lunacy with courage.”
Just as she finished saying that a creature faded into existence beside Jael and lunged at her heart.
Jael smiled and quipped, “It knows what makes you tick. It knows how to make the ticking stop.”
Claws slashed at the creatures face as she jumped back. As the nightmare attacked again she noticed that the creature seemed to be blinded by her last attack.
Jael summoned another creature. This creature staggered forward as thousands of tiny insects flowed out of the creature’s body and attacked Claws. Fortunately she had already summoned a creature to counter attack.
This new creature was a wolf covered in rotting flesh and a blood splattered face. It lunged at Jael’s new nightmare and ripped at its body causing more insects to come out of it. But these insects just floated about the two creatures as if they where scared to strike.
Claws cast a ball of black mana through the bugs surrounding her, burning them with black fire.
Jael looked frustrated.
Claws smiled and shouted to him, “Some things even fleas won't bite.”
The wolf finished off the shambling swarm with one powerful bite. When the creature fell to the ground so did all the insects that had been summoned by it.
Claws started to summon another creature when she felt a large claw of a creature slash along her back. She quickly turned to see the blind creature nearing her. She stabbed the creature where its stomach would be but nothing happened.
Claws charged black mana into her claws and the creature retreated from her claws falling under her power. It rushed at Jael who smirked as a giant zombie climbed from the ground and crushed the blind creature.
The rotting giant zombie tried to step on the wolf but the filthy cur jumped back and bit the giant’s leg. The giant grabbed a pillar from the side of the arena and crushed the dog with it.
Jael smiled and said, “Wracked with rot, it wrecks and ruins.” But as he finished his statement he cried in pain. He looked behind him and saw a huge demon standing there.
Now it was Claws turn to smile. She said, “A cry of pain as it enters this world. A chorus of screams as it leaves.”
The demon flew forward and started biting the jugular of the giant.
The crowd roared.
The fighters bled.
And the dead piled high in the pits.
Only the Cabal could win.
As the zombie was falling a creature attacked the demon from behind the demon fell and the audience in unison all screamed in pain—a chorus of screams as Claws had predicted.
The creature that killed the demon fell and a new demon appeared between them.
Jael was confused by the appearance of the new demon.
Claws said, “It’s drawn to the scent of screaming.”
The demon flew at Jael and attacked. He summoned a shield from Dementia Space. The demon shattered the shield and cut Jael’s gut. He staggered back and used black mana to temporarily close the wound.
Jael got back up on his feet and summoned three small zombies around him as bodyguards and one fairly big one in front of the demon.
Claws knew the demon could easily kill the zombie so she didn’t care. She instead concentrated on her most powerful and difficult spell.
The demon and the zombie both hit one another when Claws noticed liquid oozing from the zombie but it was too late. The zombie and the demon both died.
Jael laughed and announced, “It oozes death from every pore.
CHAPTER 7 FINAL TORTURE
Claws didn’t care that her powerful demon had died as she knew her best was yet to come. She unleashed her most powerful spell a horrific creature appeared in front of her.
Jael fell to his knees and hid his face when he saw it.
“It is the thing that goes bump in the night,” Claws said with glee.
Then the creature glided towards Jael right past the zombies unnoticed.
Jael was shocked by his zombies’ incompetence.
Claws said, “It glides through the shadows until it reaches yours.”
Now Jael prayed to Kuberr for mercy.
Claws laughed and stated, “It strikes at your soul, heedless of your prayers.”
Then the creature wrenched open Jael’s mouth and entered his body.
Jael convulsed, spasmodically as Claws said, “First; as it enters your body you will feel the pain of a lifetime—every scrape, illness, and bruise—condensed into a single moment. Then it will enter your mind and burn away your memories. I’ve found that memories have distinct tastes. Its favorites are the sickly sweetness of lost love and the bitter smokiness of cruel murder. But the fondest memories burn brightest and taste sweetest. As they’re lost forever, the flames grow hotter still.”
Jael stood and Claws placed her hand on his face. As she did so she said, “You are weak. I am strong. The protocol is obvious.” She warped him into an ugly creature with blue flames wrapped around his arms and big horns protruding from his head. His skin grew so tight around him that you could see his spine through his gut.
Claws smiled and said, “Now he remembers enough of his life to weep for what he has lost but not enough to know why.”
Claws realized what she had just done. She had just avenged her best friend. But it was a bitter-sweet victory. In so-doing she had also just killed her brother. But all of that was history now. And what lay before her is mystery as she was now a Dementia Summoner.
Prologue made by a combination of Vance Moore and myself
Some quotes taken from cards copyrighted by Wizards of the Coast
Some Characters Places and Objects based on the writing which is owned by Wizards of the Coast














Comments
"Now on the small continent of Otaria in Dominaria the landscape is blasted, and civilization has been torn asunder."- Comma needed after "Dominaria" as the preceding is an introductory phrase. A comma is NOT needed after "blasted".
"This was the first thing that Claws heard; it came from the mouth of her king and god, The First (and probably the Last), The Patriarch of the Cabal." -Semicolon is used incorrectly as these should be two independent clauses and there is no conjunction joining them.
"The First looked down on Claws and smiled a warped and threatening smile." -You might wish to find another word for "smile" as, repeated here, it appears redundant.
"Claws remembered when she had been the weak pitiful being Æreenas." -Comma after "being" as you are specifying which being.
"Then when she had seen this same smile she had fainted and vomitted. This time instead she only vomitted." -Remember to use spell check and don't hesitate to search for words if you're unsure of their spelling (see "vomited"). A comma is needed after "then" as it's a temporal term providing context. Another comma is needed after "smile" as it's an introductory phrase.
"She felt she still had much more training to do under her masters Braids and Dreads." -Comma needed after "masters" as you are specifying which masters.
"'Claws leave now but leave all your weapons here,' said The Patriarch of the Cabal." -Comma after "claws" as this is direct address and comma before "but" as it's a conjunction between and independent and dependent clause.
"'Yes master,' was all she said as she unclipped her sheath from her belt and placed her sword on the floor." -Comma after "yes" as this is direct address.
"Next she undid the knots and clips holding a simple set of claws on her hands.
Finally she turned from her God in all his horrible, frightening, painful, glory and walked from the room." -Comma after "next" as it's a temporal term providing context. The same goes for "finally".
"She felt relief to be out of the First’s sickening aura but also felt nervous to be unarmed." -Comma before "but" as it's a conjunction.
"Claws entered the area of the dungeon where she slept and was shocked to see her rival for her spot as a Dementia Summoner." -You might wish to rephrase this sentence as the phrase "Dementia Summoner" was used in the previous sentence and seems repetitive here. It would be sufficient to simply leave it at "rival" as one would assume it would be in the only context mentioned previously.
"he said trying to annoy Claws by using her old name." -Comma after "said" as the following clause is a participial phrase.
"He glared at her and said, “What?” in a slightly confused tone." -It's unusual to find inquiries in the middle of clauses. Because a question mark does not provide for the continuation of a sentence, the speech direction usually follows it as an independent clause.
"Claws continued to walk to her bed where she saw an envelope placed on her pillow. She sat down stating in a matter–of-fact tone, “Well Jael my name is now Claws" -Comma before "where" as it's a relative clause. Comma before "stating" as this is a participial phrase. Comma after "well" as it is an extraneous term with no relation to the independent clause- Other such examples are "oh", "uh", and "um".
"'I think it’s a good name but maybe if you think it’s so bad you should go complain to the First.'" -Semicolon after "name" as it's the start of a second independent clause joined by a conjunction. Comma after "but" as it's before an introductory phrase. Comma after "bad" as it ends the introductory phrase.
"'Well I just think that the name he gave me is much better than yours'" -Comma after "well".
"'Yeah Prison; good name,' Claws said her voice dripping with acidic sarcasm." -Comma after "yeah" as it's an extraneous term not directly related to the clause.
"Prison glared at Claws and tried to figure out a come back but was unable to in his rage and instead turned and stormed out." -Who's Prison? Comma before "but" as it's a conjunction. Commas surrounding "instead" as it's modifying.
"As she opened the envelope a key fell out into her hand." -Comma after "envelope" as it ends the introductory phrase.
"'Come to the training room bring the key'." -A period is needed after "room" as these are two independent imperative statements.
"Claws didn’t want to leave unarmed she grabbed a chain from the wall and wrapped it around her waist like a belt." -A period is needed after "unarmed" as these are two independent clauses with no joining conjunctions.
You're repeating mistakes. Consistent errors are actually a good sign. It means there are specific areas of improvement which will make it easier for you to target them. If you can correct these errors and understand the rules that accompany them, you can improve your writing across the board. So, I will not revise any more of this until you understand the following ideas:
-Identify what an introductory phrase is, its primary signifiers, and its function in a sentence.
-Identify what defines an independent and dependent clause.
After you've done that, make the corrections in the first chapter and then see if you can apply what you've learned in further editing the rest of the story. If you have any questions or are uncertain about something, don't hesitate to approach me about it, okay?
Once you've tried to apply the new concepts, then I'll proceed to the next chapters. Best of luck!
Theres no shame in re-releasing this piece if and when you fix it. I'd actually like to read this again, with longer chapters and more imagery added. Good Luck.
--
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